|| The unembellished truth ||
In preparing for the first challenge I had to consider my daily routines and rituals. The first few that came into mind were; waking up and contemplating if i really need this degree, actually getting up and making that first needed cup of coffee, scrolling through social media while the kettle boils, 20 to 30 minute jog/run and checking what my time table looks like for the day ahead.
I then started to delve a little deeper and after some thought i found that a routine that is personal to me is the way i present myself each and every day. I often come across as an individual who makes herself look pretty and petite but in all truth i am a seriously self conscious person when it comes to the way i look. I am in constant fear when I’m under the ‘Objectifying Gaze’, especially a women’s one.
The ‘Objectifying Gaze’ represents both men and women when they first look at each other and perform some sort of mental “analysis” that captures the degree of sexual attractiveness. I fear the gaze or objectification of another women because we have a tendency to notice, compare, obsess, judge and emulate. I know this because i do it almost every day when i look at other women.
Every day i have this need to put make up on, make my hair look good and wear fashionable clothes. I feel safe when i wear make up and have felt this way for a pretty long time. Every morning I used to wake up and lye on my moms bed and watch her go through this process of what she thought made her look beautiful, there would never be a day where she never made herself look “beautiful”. I knew i wanted to look like this every day so that i could feel pretty and confident. To this day it is clear that i am a product of my upbringing. People often say that i am replica of my mother.
Therefore to make myself uncomfortable i went 24 hours without showering, putting make up on, brushing my hair, wearing fashionable clothes (wear pyjamas) and brushing my teeth. To feel completely bare.
Throughout the day people starred, laughed and said things like;
“Cassandra would never wear that”
“What is going with her hair”
I completely disrupted my inner ego. I became completely conscious of the veracity of my own identity and its many flaws.
I felt as if people were constantly judging me. I could literally feel the gaze of other women and i would already be thinking negative thoughts. The suffocating walls of self doubt were starting to enclose. It was a seriously challenging day however i almost felt free that everyone could see my flaws and i had nothing to hide. I embraced the possibility of ‘failure’. It’s safe to say i left the comfort zone.